Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
