I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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