apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
