I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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