im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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