One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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