Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
