I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Send help, water and tortillas.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
