Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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