piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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