Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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