Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
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I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
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The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.