Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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