I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
