we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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