I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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