Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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