omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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