dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
