So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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