he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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