Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
