Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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