Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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