I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
