When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
