The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
