Taylor Swift is so right about you.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
