she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Pooping to opera.
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