If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
