it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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