just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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