when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
