I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
that is very illegal...i love you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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