Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
