Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
