ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
