The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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