I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's blow job season.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I want to be your penis for a week.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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