My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
