The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
