the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
