i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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