Sry I called you an 8
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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