I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
