He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
