this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
