How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
