I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
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Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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