Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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