I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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