Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
