So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
