So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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