mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a drive thru vagina
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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