My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There's always time for handjobs
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
