I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How does one acquire holy water?
The power of my boobs compel you
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
