my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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