She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
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may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
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i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix