there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
