I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
