i don't like sucking hair
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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