Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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